As You Stumble Through The Dark
by InnocentGuilt
Summary: Joanna will lose it if she goes back to Earth. She just knows it. Warnings: Kirk/McCoy, minor character death, mentions of starvation. Disclaimer: I own nothing. Follows Hold Your Heart Down and Put Your Fists Up


Joanna lives in a weird half-dreaming.

She's never been prone to anger, just irritation and frustration. Her mother was always the angry one, and her father always grumbled bending to her will. Joanna just learned from him. It was easier to just call Jocelyn a bitch behind her back and count to ten as the muttering died down. It was easier to just do as her mother said.

Now she swims in rage.

Anger is a constant undertone to everything she does, and sometimes it isn't so much of an undertone as much as it is a roaring storm, hurling violently and throwing her disarrayed life even further into chaos.

She used to be calm, like this steady little pond in the back-forty of Granny McCoy's property.

Then Cerberus happened and threw a monstrous boulder in her pond, upsetting the water and sediment and fish so much that the ripples will never die down.

She'll never have peace again.

.ststst.

Kori Coates.

Absinth Todd.

Thomas G'Kree.

She had only really been close to Thomas. He was a young, half-Betazoid boy who laughed lazily and teased her lovingly. He had been one of her closest friends. The other two had just been in her dorm with her. Kori was a popular girl, always staying with the trends and spending more time putting on her make-up than actually finding the beautiful girl she was beneath the slop she smeared on her face. Absinth had been an artist, mostly withdrawn, but funny when she chose to commentate on the latest going-ons of the dorms.

And now they are dead.

Joanna had watched, through her own hunger pains, through her own growing apathy, as they all curled around on themselves, holding their gnawing stomachs. Watched as the atrophy set in, and the no longer received signals that they were hungry. Watched as they stopped even moving. Just staying in their beds, even when Carter Winston came in with enough food to keep everyone alive for at least another three weeks until the Federation could do_ something_ to help.

Absinth went first, quietly while everyone was sleeping. Kori had woken her up with her sniffles as she kept calling out from her bed for a girl she had never really spoken to.

Thomas was next, going painfully due to multiple organ failure. Usually the strictest of guidelines were upheld when it came to girls being in the boys dorms and vice versa, but as tears spilled from his dulled gray eyes, the principle had made an exception and Joanna had been given the right to stay in the room with her friend.

He was when she decided that she could never be a doctor. It hurt too much to see people go like this.

Surprisingly, Kori was the hardest to watch go. The girl seemed to be torn between staring into nothingness, and divulging her entire life to Joanna. The night before she died, she said, "I don't want to be alone when I die. I've been alone for so long…"

Joanna had crawled into her bed with her and held her, short, coarse black hair away from her once flawless, now dry, cracked skin. "Just hold on a little longer, Kori," she had whispered. "Help will be here soon…"

"Help is not coming for me, Joanna," she muttered. "Help never came for me. Just stay with me, okay? I don't wanna be alone."

Joanna had nodded, and before the night was out, Kori's breathing had stopped. Joanna called out to her for ten minutes before she gave up hope.

.ststst.

"Joanna?"

She grunts, staring blankly at the floor in front of her. The_ Enterprise_ is a cornucopia of white walls and sleek black flooring. The only difference she has found is in the personal quarters of the upper-ranking crew. In Gaila's room, while the floors are still black, the walls are ineffable myriads of rainbows. Her dad's rooms are customed to a more homey feel, like being back in Georgia with wooden shelves

"You were telling me about Kori…" Doctor Raja trails off, and were Joanna looking at her, she would be staring at her with kind dark brown eyes.

A flush of anger mars her features. "Uh huh."

"You stopped," Raja prompts.

Joanna glares up at the psychologist. "Yes, I did." She stands from her seat, wrapping her arms around herself. It doesn't bother her that her bones feel like they're rubbing against each other. It was a gradual thing, so by the time she noticed that she was so thin-so emaciated, and starved-it was common place. "I'm going back to my room."

Dr. Raja stands up with her, her blue uniform tight on her healthy figure. "We have…"

"I know!" Joanna yells. She pulls her loose yellow jersey further down over her boney hips that would stab her wrists if she weren't so well acquainted with them. She moves towards the door, but her attention is brought back to her psychologist.

"Have you spoken with your mother?" Dr. Raja asks, still behind her desk.

Joanna looks at her, anger still broiling under her skin.

"No."

.ststst.

It's not that she doesn't want to talk to her mom. It's really just that her mom…wouldn't get it. Jim gets it. Jim gets it better than anyone she's ever known, and it almost makes her even more pissed off that she can't be more pissed of at him, but she can't…hate him, and sometimes she really wants to. Of course, then there's Gaila. Gaila doesn't say much about her own past, but she makes it apparent that she knows what it's like to grieve, to be angry.

Her dad…her dad doesn't understand, but he does. He doesn't get what it's like to hurt the way she hurts, but he gets it. His psychology training lets him understand enough to where it's bareable.

Her mother is several different levels of strict. Jocelyn has always been in charge.

.ststst.

Joanna is in Gaila's room, and her green friend is dancing with her through the Dance of Devna. It's the last day that Joanna will be there.

When they finish, Joanna takes a few deep breaths and says, "I want to enact Starfleet law I-24."

Gaila looks at her, beautiful green eyes that carry so much sorrow and love narrowing carefully. She cocks her head to the side, her red hair falling over her shoulder. "A child may stay with a Starfleet officer if it is proven that she and/or he has no other suitable place to go." Joanna nods slowly. "You should bring that up with Jim and Leonard."

.ststst.

When they get to the Starbase—she doesn't remember which one it is—her mother isn't there. It's predicted that Jocelyn will get there in two weeks. Most of the other children already have their rides home, but she doesn't. Thankfully the_ Enterprise_ will stay for almost three weeks. Scotty has some…somethings he needs to do to his and Jim's_ precious_ baby and so they will stay for a while.

Joanna still takes quarter in Spock's room on the ship, and Nyota comes in every once in a while to see that she's doing okay.

Jim and her dad spend a lot of their time with her.

It isn't until they're watching one of dad's movies that she realizes how desperately she doesn't want to go back to Georgia.

Not thirty minutes ago she was screaming at them because…because…shit, she doesn't even know anymore. Now they're gathered around the Commander's quarters, and Jim and Dad sit close to each other on the couch. She's in the Commander's, really Leiutanant Uhura's, chair as they what the old Western Daddy and her used to watch together. Jim sets his hand on her Dad's thigh, like it's normal and she crumbles.

This entire thing isn't normal.

It's broken but it works…and she never wants to go home.

.ststst.

She sits in front of Jim on the bridge, her boney ass digging into the hard carpet of the floor as she waits for a moment where the bridge crew isn't pestering Jim.

Finally she has it, and she looks up as his perfectly scarred face. "I wanna enact Starfleet law I-24." He looks down at her, careful not to even look at his crewmembers. When he doesn't say anything, she asks, "What are my chances?"

He clears his throat and nods towards his ready room.

Once inside, he says, "I-24…you do know what that is?"

She almost wants to hit him, but a week ago was more than enough. "Yes. I want to live on the_ Enterprise_, with you, Gaila, and Dad…what's the likelihood I would win."

Jim scratches his neck, clearing his throat. "I'm not really…"

"I didn't ask you for specific numbers, Jim!" she hollers. "I asked what you thought the likelihood was."

The captain sighs. "You're father was instrumental in the saving of Earth. He's done a lot for the Federation, and the fact that you're enacting I-24 and not him will look good. If you get a court more interested in popularity that'll count for you and Bones."

She sighs. "And if I don't…get a jury interested in popularityl?"

Jim frowns. "Your mother is a damn good lawyer." He clears his throat. "And she has a lot against your father already. He suffered a brief stint of addiction to alcohol; he lives on a Starship, one not prone to safety. You've just gone through a traumatic experience, one where most would think being home would be best for you."

The undercurrent of anger surges through her. "Do you think that?"

"Why do you want to file for I-24?" he asks soothingly.

"For the continuation of my somewhat stable sanity." He regards her with steady eyes and she continues, looking at her long, thin fingers. "I love my mother…but I can't…be_ me_, like I am now in her house. Her and Clay…" she takes a deep breath and looks up at the brilliantly white ceiling wondering how often her Dad had done the same thing. "They haven't been through anything like you or me. They haven't had hardship like Gaila, and they haven't studied it like daddy.

"If I go back to Georgia…" She takes a deep breath, releasing it shakily much to her chagrin. "I'll lose it."

Jim crosses his arms over his chest. "You don't know that. And you don't know what it's like to live on a starship."

She picks up one of his commendations and throws it at him, angry and happy when he dodges easily. "I've lived on this fucking ship for a month and a half, dipshit! I know what I'll have to go through! I've read the qualifications for living on any ship that sails in space." She glares at him hatefully as she recites off everything she know about I-24. "I'll have to undergo three months rigorous training, if my request even goes through. Before that, there will be standard psychology tests, to see if I'm even fit to be in space, not to mention if I'm crazy or will go crazy enough on Earth to live with Dad. I will have to be tested to know if I'm stable enough to live in space—which, hello! I think I'm well suited! They'll ask about why my Mom can't take me, and they'll ask why my Dad should. I know, Jim! I know! I looked it up!"

Jim rubs the back of his neck and she asks, "Can you help me?"

Jim huffs. "I only have two weeks until your mother comes to get you. Bones would have to be there to participate in the trial…"

"How fast can you make this?"

"If I stress the urgency of gaining my CMO back…I might get three months on the inside."

She stares at him with tired eyes. "You do need your CMO back."

He nods.

"You need my dad back too."

He looks at her with a sad look and nods a little slower. "I'll see what I can do…but you really need to talk to Jocelyn."

.ststst.

When she speaks to her Mom, it takes a while to bring up I-24. Her mother is clucking over how thin she is. She has tears in her eyes and she calls Clay over to have a chat with her, as well. And for the few seconds that it takes for Clay to enter to family room, she just wants to hang up. She feels somewhat like Clarie, her mom's poodle, must of felt like just before they put her down. She expects that if they were here that they would pet her hair and scratch behind her ears.

The anger boils beneath her skin and suddenly it feels so tight around her bones, compressing her squeezing her joints together.

"Jo, honey…" Clay says. "Christ…you look so…" His lips flap and he has no words for her.

Her mother seems to share his sentiment and her tears slip down her cheeks. "Don't worry, baby. We'll get you home and fix you right up."

They'll fix her right up…

"I'm not broken," she bites out when the words have not only echoed but intensified in her skull. She glares up at them, feeling her eyes harden as Clay looks confused and her mother looks at her like she's another life form. "There isn't anything to_ fix_. I'm not going home either."

"What do you mean you aren't coming home?" Jocelyn asks, and it slips out in her tone. A mirroring anger to match Joanna's. "Of course, you're coming home? Where else would you go?"

"I'm staying on the_ Enterprise_."

It only escalates from there, but for the first time in her life she yells back, and even more shocking, her mother tells her to try it, threat lingering in her tone, and Joanna smiles.

.ststst.

She's never noticed how much her dad seems to linger with Jim until he wasn't there anymore. They live in an apartment in Georgia for five months, and he almost seems a little lost as he wanders around.

She goes to training during the day, and they take into account that she's still not at her healthiest, but she feels strength coming back to her, and she shares a burger with her dad as often as she sticks to her protien bars and ginger soda. She spends some weekends with her mom and Clay, but they seem so pissed off it's almost impossible to be around them.

Mostly she stays with her father, and whereas its not quite the same as when they were on the_ Enterprise_ but he's still so…there. He takes care of her, and while he looks sad on days when she comes home red and shaky and too exhausted to even sip her ginger water, he tells her she looks better every day.

She feels better too.

She dances for Devna and her fallen classmates, and she studies hard so that she can go back to space with her dad. She feels in control again.

She feels like Hercules.

The water still surges around the boulder in her pond, but the shock of it is over.

.ststst.

"Bye, mom. I'll write you all the time."

Her mother is crying and holding her close. "Write me everyday, baby. Every single day."

She disentangles herself from her mother, and she shakes Clay's hand. Jocelyn glares at her dad, pointing her finger at him, "You better take care of her, Leonard."

He crosses his arms over his chest. "I always will."

She goes over and stands next to her dad, putting a few of the bags in the cargo area of the shuttle that will take them to Starbase 8, which will board them on a cargo ship intended to rendezvous with the_ Enterprise_.

She gives her dad a look, nodding at the shuttle. He looks at her for a moment, confused but he looks as if he gets it as he boards the shuttle with a little hesitance.

She walks over to her mother and stepfather one last time, and takes a deep breath. "It isn't you," she tells them. "I just can't be Hercules in Georgia. I can't be strong here."

Her mom looks like she wants to argue, but Joanna is done with arguing. "I love you. I really do. But I can be strong in the stars, something that I can't find in the Earth. Do you get that?"

Jocelyn nods, her brown eyes soft, but sad.

Joanna nods. I'll come when I get to the ship."

And then she turns away and enters the shuttle, taking a seat across from her dad.

"Ready to see Jim again?" she asks, feeling something in her heart pick up.

Her dad sighs. "Little shit'll probably never let me live it down if he found out, but damn if I don't miss that man."

.ststst.

The second they're beamed aboard the_ Enterprise_, they're received with open arms. Nyota throws herself at them, proclaiming, "Thank god! Kirk is unbearable without you here!" She wraps them in her arms and then holds Joanna at arms length, looking her over with steady, confident brown eyes. "You look so good!" she smiles. "I like what you've done with your hair."

Joanna feels at her short hair, having cut it short on Starbase 8. "Thanks, Nyota."

She's passed around to receive hug and warm welcomes. She's surprised when even Spock gives her a stiff, but welcome hug.

Gaila prances up to her and says something in her beautiful native tongue, before pressing her two fingers to Joanna's forehead, heart and lips. "I'm so pleased that you got to come back."

She nods. "Me too. I've been practicing the dances you taught me."

Her gold lips widen. "Perhaps for the next talent night, we could do a duet. We may even be able to convince Spock to play for us while Nyota sings."

She nods, not entirely comfortable with the idea, but somehow feeling that she'll get there. "Sounds like a plan."

Then from the corner of her eye, she sees Jim come into the transporter room.

She watches him curiously, as he and her father are move towards each other like magnets. The room almost breathes in relief when her dad draws Jim in close pressing their lips together in welcome.

"Gee, absence really does make the heart grow fonder, huh, Bones?" Jim says with a happy smirk.

Her dad's only response is to cuff Jim in the back of the head, saying, "Infant."

Then Jim comes over to her, a happy smile on his face. "You look different…" he says slyly.

She cocks a brow at him. "I gained weight?"

He laughs. "Yeah, that to, and let me tell you, it looks good on you. But there's something else…" He looks at her carefully. "Where did you find equillibrium?"

Its quirky and totally Jim, and she answers his with a smirk that matches his. "I told you I could be Hercules."

His eyes turn serious and he nods. "I never doubted."

She feels a spark come back to her and she shoves him playfully. "So, what are you intentions with my father?"

He wraps his arm around her shoulder and as they move out of the room, he loops his arm through her father's. "You know I've never had this conversation with someone's daughter. I think this is one to add to the books."

"What are you talking about?" her dad asks, a frown pulling at his forehead.

"Your little girl wants to know what my intentions with you are."

Her father blanches a little. "Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't answer that!"

And Joanna laughs, wrapping her arms around Jim's waist as they walk towards his quarters.

The waters still ripple all throughout the pond, but the sediment is settling and she can feel life adjusting around the boulder.


End file.
